last saturday was the saddest day i’ve ever had in my life.

my big brother passed away.
i was supposed to tend him that day, too,
but he did not wait for me.
but, he did not mean to cross the styx, either.
he had spoken to a nurse mere ten minutes before his heart stopped beating.
that was a mistake, wasn’t it?

still, he’d had enough pain.
his long battle against cancer was too fierce to carry on.
there seemed no chance to win.
nothing could make a miracle happen, after all.

at least, i was close to him during his last hospitalization.
i could help him to change his pyjamas and drink for the first several days,
while quiet hours i spent sitting with a book at his bedside got longer and longer.
sometimes, i would check on him and feel relieved at his breathing.
sometimes, he would wake up and crack a joke.

as he had coached a boys’ baseball team at weekends for the last several years,
some 400 people, including small boys in baseball uniform,
came to his farewell service to say their last goodbyes.
tears rolled down my cheeks before each and every tearful farewell.
i, too, had to bid emotional farewell to him.

my big brother was a humble man.
but, he was the most compassionate one i’ve ever known.
much as i can say i am proud of him,
words can’t express how deep my sorrow is.

he was my rock.
without him, things will never be the same again.
i'm missing him...



vosges paris said...

Dear Keiko
So sorry to hear about your loss, I can so intense feel your grieve. When reading your words a tear came in my eye as I can feel your pain and it reminds me of my own loss. I still miss my sister so much. She passed away 3 months ago, cancer came back after 18 years. It is such a horrible fight. Good to hear you kept him company in the hospital.
I wish you lots of courage
hugs desiree

Les Cotrions said...

Ohhh Keiko! I'm so sorry for your brother and you! Your words truly touched me! I cannot find words which can help you! Everything I can say it's unuseful!
Heartly hugs!

keiko said...

dear desiree and vale,

thank you so much for your kind words. i am grateful for your condolences and compassion.

indeed, you both mean a lot to me.
i am glad to have such great friends there!