adieu

*
last saturday was the saddest day i’ve ever had in my life.

my big brother passed away.
i was supposed to tend him that day, too,
but he did not wait for me.
but, he did not mean to cross the styx, either.
he had spoken to a nurse mere ten minutes before his heart stopped beating.
that was a mistake, wasn’t it?

still, he’d had enough pain.
his long battle against cancer was too fierce to carry on.
there seemed no chance to win.
nothing could make a miracle happen, after all.

at least, i was close to him during his last hospitalization.
i could help him to change his pyjamas and drink for the first several days,
while quiet hours i spent sitting with a book at his bedside got longer and longer.

sometimes, i would check on him and feel relieved at his breathing.
sometimes, he would wake up and crack a joke.

as he had coached a boys’ baseball team at weekends for the last several years,
some 400 people, including small boys in baseball uniform,
came to his farewell service to say their last goodbyes.
tears rolled down my cheeks before each and every tearful farewell.
i, too, had to bid emotional farewell to him.

my big brother was a humble man.
but, he was the most compassionate one i’ve ever known.
much as i can say i am proud of him,
words can’t express how deep my sorrow is.

he was my rock.

without him, things will never be the same again.

i'm missing him...
*

*