red carnations

i had been vaguely thinking what i would, could, or should, do for mother’s day until the doorbell chimed. i wondered who would drop on me on a rainy saturday. i answered. there was a delivery man standing with a box at my door. i thought he had the wrong door. but to my surprise, it was for me. i took a lovely potted red spray carnation out of the box and realised that it was a present for mother’s day, which was delivered one day earlier. i have a son and a daughter. as, you know, boys usually could care less about any special days, it was naturally from shion, my girl. although i’ve no idea who started this: good children would send red carnations to their good mums on mother’s day, which is a long-lived custom here in japan. still, it didn’t seem typical of shion to follow suit. this is her first time she’s sent me red carnations.

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in retrospect, the only red carnation i have ever got on mother’s day in my life was actually from louie, my son. back then he was fourteen. our relationship at the time was going through sort of a rough period. having quarrels, noisy one or harsh one, was the norm for my son and me. however, that was louie who gave us a chance to make a truce, saying it with the symbol of love for mother: one stem of burning-red carnation. i felt i'd never deserve of that because i was a terrible mum who failed to show her sweet boy her love... so i cried.

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when i placed the potted red spray carnation on the cabinet in my kitchen, i was looking back to my young and bad motherhood. i found a small note under the pot. as soon as i made out shion's hand writing: “thank you, mother”, tears welled up. i don’t deserve red carnations even now because i’ve never been a good mother. i still feel guilty that i left shion when she was ten, asking my ex-husband to take good care of her to pursue my selfish ambition. now she is twenty-four. our mother-and-daughter relationship is going so great, though.

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i phoned her right away and heard her mobile automatically switching to answering phone service, well, like always. i got stuck on the word “thank you”, becoming close to tears again and again, while i was leaving her a message. this may sound strange to non-japanese, but “thank you” possibly mean “i love you”. because we japanese almost never say “i love you” between parents and children. i love my children, you know. i do and will always do. so, the older i gets, the more easily i am reduced to tears particularly when i think of my children. and of my old mother.

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yes, mother. forgive me. i’ve never been a good daughter, either. i did not bring her anything, after all. i bought her a potted blue hydrangea on mother’s day last year…was it really last year? or, the year before that? oh, no, i can’t remember... anyway, i just gave her a happy-mother’s-day call, promising that i would visit her coming tuesday.